here now

hey it’s me bella, i’m feeling really down and low about myself. being here is how i will get through it. the changes that began in december are making their way through now and i’m revisitng those feelings and motives. i need to realize the goals i set for myself back then. i keep looking back at different moments this year and what i’m noticing is that i completely black out often. sober. it’s like a trance that overtakes me. i’m probably in one right now. i’m moved by heartache and by silence. i’m moved by knowing i could do better. i could be better. i could do a lot more and i could do a lot less. i should rest more. i’m smoking everyday again. i’m drinking everyday. where can i pour in peace. what can i do to be better. what can i do to hate myself less each day. in my honesty i find comfort. in my sadness i find peace. solita. what is the thing i’m trying to avoid. i need to be by myself to get to where i’m going. in the 8th month things will be better but only if i let go right now. let go right now. i beg me to let go right now. i think it’s important that i let me miss you but more important is to let you go. let me go. let me go then. go then. just go.