Okay — 12.29.2020
Toronto, ON


I’m worried that I’m processing too much at once. I might have been feeling this since the summer but I’m wiser now and I’m going slower. I’m seeing a different perspective. The more knowledge I allow myself to obtain and retain the fewer things feel fair. I’ve been hurt in a lot of ways that I didn’t deserve. Not that anyone deserves it really. It’s a blessing to understand that but it’s also annoying to acknowledge because if anyone should be taught a lesson it’s you. But I’d never do it. I could never do it. You don’t deserve to be hurt. That type of hurt is unbearable. Literally. It’s unbearable. You break. You don’t endure it. And that’s fine. You’re just someone else now. And I see that as a positive thing. Look at you. Look at me. A chance to be brand new. What will you do with the pain? Envision yourself. I let the blame settle on me in all the worlds that I know. I wear it well. I let me feel guilty. Let’s get to the root of the problem. I’ve been hurt in ways that I didn’t deserve. I reacted. And then I didn’t. And then I was numb. There are years that I do not remember. At least 17 months. I’m in pain. I’m processing too much at once.  It’s hard to justify why it’s a problem when only great things are ahead. In an act of desperation, I wonder who even reads me.
How are you anyway?